You will be a cog in my self-centered craziness.Well, I spent yesterday crying my eyes out all day long because I got the cruelest email I have ever received.
Yes, it was from that one guy. Let’s call him Mr. Hollywood from now on. I can think of a lot worser names for him, but let’s go with that one.
So Mr. Hollywood wrote me a very unkind email, and although I know I didn’t deserve ALL the horrible things he said to me, I do understand my ability to drive men to madness.
And I know I did a real good job of bringing crazy to the table at this dinner party. (Dinner which I paid for mind you, but that’s another issue).
But like, he said I’m the most self-centered person he’s ever met. Which is fascinating, because I think HE’S the most self-centered person I’VE ever met. I guess we will have to battle that one out to see who wins!
Now, I will never ever deny being self-centered. I won’t. But, I will also defend it because I think that being a writer, an artist and a performer REQUIRES a bit of self-centeredness, though I guess I’d rather call it introspection and self-awareness, in my case.
Plus, I don’t really understand how telling him I love him every fucking day, and spending ungodly sums of money on him, amount to “most self-centered.”
But whatever, right? So what?
Well, so, my demons are encouraging me to say horrible things to him in revenge. Cruel things. Things that would hurt. Things that would hurt BAD.
And, man oh man, do I have some hurtful material lined up. Hell has no fury like Lori scorned!
But, I know I’d regret it. He’s wounded enough already. It would kinda be too easy even, not to mention just plain wrong - even though I want to lash out SO BAD.
I mean, how dare he talk to me that way?
But no. No Lori no. No no no. Quit it. For the love of “god” will you quit it already.
It’s time for me to let this go. I mean he ended the email by saying he just doesn’t want to be a cog in my craziness anymore. And oh my god I get that. I wish he had ended on that note. But unfortunately, the last line of his email was “go blow a homeless guy.” I did not like that ending.
But just like I didn’t like that ending, Mr. Hollywood probably won’t like how he’s portrayed in my memoir either.
No but seriously. I’m gonna move on. I’ve GOT to move on. It’s way past due and I know it.
SO PAST DUE.
No. I mean it. I’m gonna let go. No, like for real this time. I know I’ve said it before, but with this last email from him, something in me has shifted. Every interaction I have with him leaves me feeling worse than before. And that’s no good. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I’m tired of crying my eyeballs out over an imaginary relationship with a guy who was never very nice to me to begin with.
It is time for a fresh start. It is time to put the past behind me.
It is time to get some new cogs in my craziness. So who wants to sign-up?