Preparing to move is stressing me out to the max!

I am trying to get rid of everything I own and it is not easy! And I don’t even own anything!

And I just went to the post office and almost machine gunned everyone down in the place.

Luckily, I did not have a machine gun or I would have.

Why is the post office such a fucking nightmare? I would rather blow a horse than wait in line there ever again.

I hope that nobody offers me a machine gun or a horse now, because I will be in big trouble.

I’m moving back to Minneapolis for awhile, because sometimes you gotta go backwards to go forwards. The subway taught me that.

As much as I love NYC, I just need a break from the grind. And since I can’t afford a vacation, I’m just go gonna sponge off my BFF Max for awhile instead.

And sponging off Max for awhile actually sounds really good to me. I mean, he lives in a PALACE by New York standards. And has the most deluxe couch you have ever seen. I could just live in his couch, actually. All my stuff would fit.

And then we can go up to the lake and lie in the hammock drinking beer. There is not much better than lying in a hammock drinking beer by the lake. Unless it was the ocean. That would be better. But a lake is second best and that ain’t bad.

I’M #2!

But, I am terrified of another Minnesota winter. PLEASE GOD OR SATAN OR WHOEVER NOT ANOTHER MINNESOTA WINTER I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.

I’m also a little worried we will catch party fever and die.

But if we don’t die, I have a lot of great plans for how I can make fat stacks of cash and retire SOON and spend my days surfing, drinking out of coconuts, and shooting up on a beach in Hawaii.

Oh I’m a dreamer all right.

I was a temporary corporate cog this week.

God, how I have missed the gray and beige and blinding florescents.

I’ve had far too much freedom lately.

It felt good to be back under the oppression of the man.

Thanks America! I want to oppress you, too.

He DROVE me to insanity!

Small set back there. Back on track.

Carry on.

Oh you guys.

I have the strongest urge to write to that guy again and apologize for going crazy town on his ass.

I mean, I really did a number on him and I feel bad about it. I could have handled it so very very much better.

Lord have mercy on any man who crosses my path during one of my many psychotic breaks. I know I can be so terrifying! And all needy and pathetic.

Which is weird, because I start off all strong and brave, and THAT’S the girl the fellas like, but then I collapse into a big pile of grody to the max.

And I want to tell that guy that I’m sorry for being all grody to the max.

BUT NO. NO NO NO. NO YOU GUYS. NO!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It’s probably grody to the max that I’m even thinking about this.

I swear I don’t want to be like this. I want to be strong and brave and leave things alone that should be left alone.

I mean, I shouldn’t email him, right? I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Nice peaceful sleeping dog.

But that is not my style.

I like to poke sleeping dogs with a stick until they get so angry they eat my face off.

I guess things are going too well for me right now and I want to fuck it up a little bit so I feel more normal.

Hey Valentine’s Day?

You can suck it.

Choke on your conversation hearts.

My sister is a nanny.

So yesterday, I went over to visit her and the baby she takes care of.

I walked up to the baby and said “how do you do sir?” and he immediately broke into tears and started screaming and would not shut up until I left.

That baby sure does hate me.

Well guess what baby? I don’t think you’re that great either.

I just read Have You Found Her: A Memoir by Janice Erlbaum and it was super great! No like, for real! Ok so sure, maybe I read it because my cable was cut off due to non-payment, and sure I might be biased because a friend of mine wrote it, but I didn’t even have to force myself to read it just to be nice - I actually enjoyed it so much I couldn’t stop reading! And we all know I hardly ever do things just to be nice, because I am kind of a dick.

I mean, this book just has so many of my favorite things in it: junkies, love, heroin, despair, Coney Island, meth, romance, jewelry making, subway rides, pot, trannies, and a shocking ending that made me go “oh my god, NO WAY!” and then I bugged my eyes out a little bit. Truth is so way crazier than fiction, you guys.

So, if you’re smart, and I know my sweet babies are, you’ll buy this book.

Go here to learn more and buy it.

(Word on the street is that it is cheapest at Walmart, if you don’t mind supporting those bastards).

You have ruined my life. My dad would be way nicer to me if you had gone to the super bowl this year.

But you lost and now my dad hates me. We were already having trouble.

You couldn’t beat New York and my dad wrote me a really mean letter.

Sure, he said I could come live with him if I am broke, but on his terms and that it will not be pleasant.

I only like my terms. So yeah, it probably wouldn’t be pleasant.

So, I’ve decided that I’m gonna come live with you - on my terms.

First off, from now on you will spell your name F-A-R-V-E, like it sounds.

Wait, what is your name anyway? French? Fuck that.

From now on you are Brett Freedom.

And no I am not grateful. You owe me.

Weren’t you supposed to retire like 10 years ago?

Thanks a lot,
Lori

PS - Any pain medication you get will now be mine.